god and i

were good friends.

I was in first grade when my feelings on religion changed.

I was raised Protestant. attended Sunday school every week and church after that.

Maybe I did not always pay attention.. but we prayed before we ate each night, holding hands at the dinner table.

And then it was my first day of school. I was six years old and ready to go, with my little backpack and my uniform (a plaid jumper and white polo).

I was the epitome of adorable.

Walk in to school, get lost immediately. The second grade teacher, guides me across the hall to the right classroom.. and there she stood. Sister Carol. In all her habit-ed glory.

And then came Father Mike - so handsome, so kind, so funny.

Second grade. My class was doing that second sacrament (technically third, I think): holy communion.

I wanted so badly to participate.

I wanted so badly to have that connection with God.

So I was baptized, on Easter in second grade. I wore a white dress, I held a candle, and I took a bath in Father Mike's holy water.

Next step: converting my entire family to Catholicism. Easy.

First communion? Piece of cake.

I was drawing pictures of God (a stick figure with a beard) in my diary at this point. I was also writing songs about how much I loved him. They went a little something like, "I love you lord, I love you, for all of my life." You know, really clever lines like that.

And to top it all off, I wanted to be a teaching nun. Just like Sister Carol

I wrote in my prayer journal up until the middle of fourth grade.

When mom and dad had their messy divorce, grandpa got cancer, and everything (felt like it) went to hell.

I still believed in god, then. Lots of kids go through those same things. It's part of growing up.
I still prayed. I still asked him for help and forgiveness. I still went to church and hugged Father Mike after every mass and took my eucharist and thanked the father, son, and holy spirit for it.

I don't know when I lost faith. I don't know when I stopped writing my songs to god.

I don't know when I stopped enjoying church as much as I did.

I don't think it coincided with any specific event. I think I just got older and my thoughts became more complex and I became, I hate to say it, less gullible.
I knew that prayer wouldn't fix all the problems in the world or make people less hateful or violent or intolerant.

I think I was in seventh grade when we had a guest pastor who gave his sermon about stem cell research and gay marriage and I thought to myself.. "well, that's not right"

And I wondered how an institution I believed in so much, that I put so much time and love and effort into, could be so.. wrong.

Because the Catholic church is so twisted and wrong and judgmental.

And I don't think I am cut out for that.

And I couldn't find anything better to believe in, so I walked away from religion all together.

And I walked away from god. And rarely looked back.

I dabbled in church off and on for a few years. I went back to my church every now and then. I went to a friends church. I participated in the youth group.

I could just never get that feeling back.

The feeling that I believe in something, something big and beautiful that will somehow help me, someday, somewhere along the way.

I may not believe in god.

But I believe in love, in music, in the kindness of people.

I have beliefs. I have faith.

And if someone were to prove me wrong about the big man, I wouldn't argue them down or be disappointed.

Because I have my faith. That's all I need.

And I'm sticking to it.