And here we go again...

It's a sick game we play.

I hurt you, you hurt me.

I lie, you leave.

And we always end up right back in this place. We think we can, we think we can...

Because we want it so bad.

I just don't think I have it in me.

No, I just don't know for sure that I have it in me.

Because your eyes are a constant reminder of what I've lost, what I could have had.

What I didn't want.

Because my lips don't always form the words I'm dying to say, to scream. And this may one day cause me to explode.

After all, I'm just a girl. Barely an adult in years, in experience, in worldliness...

I'm not ready for the responsibility of carrying you while trying to hold myself.

I'm not strong enough, it would only break my back.

But we always end up right back in this place. We think we can, we think we can...

And I still want it so bad.

Rules.

Growing up, there were a few things our in house that were simply not tolerated:

- the words "shut up"
- hitting
- locking my little brother in the basement
- lying

As I got older, this list grew to:

- boys in my room
- skipping school
- lying

Somehow along my journey from a sweet, wide-eyed child to the young woman I am today, I learned to lie better than probably anyone I know.

Now, I'm not saying I'm some huge liar, because I'm not. It's impossible for me to lie to my sisters, to my best friend.

But if you are someone who is standing in front of me and expects me to tell you how I feel, don't expect an honest answer.
I couldn't give you one if I wanted to.



But if there is one thing I know about rules, it's how to play by them.

Being a BIG kid

I think I've grown up.

I think I've grown up enough to know what is good for me, to know wrong from right, to always eat my vegetables.
I think I'm grown up enough to know that sometimes people lie, people make mistakes, people will hurt you.
I think I've grown up enough to know that people learn, that people grow, but some people don't.
I think I've grown up enough to know that people will surprise you, people are incredible, but you have to deal with the bad stuff too.
I think I've grown up enough to know that the world is beautiful, even if you're not wearing those rose-colored glasses people always go on about.
I think I've grown up enough to know that I'm not ready to be a grown up, but I'm ready to start that process.

I wish my mom had told me that there's more to growing up than eating your vegetables and learning to tie your shoes.

But I can understand why she didn't.